after almost a year and a half. she finally went away.
on those times from the start we talked, we ignored each other, there has been this constant war inside me. afraid on what the future can become if we really become together. i was afraid what can i do, i was afraid what she can know.
this constant bombarment of my own emotions has ruined me, it has already ruined us since from the start, i can’t even imagine what happens more during in relationship. i know for myself how emotionally and mentally unstable i am, therefore i am unfit to be in relationship.
to shanie:
shan, if your reading this. i’m so sorry for what i have done for so long. i truly regret what i have done, but its for the better. i don’t want to be a burden to you, i don’t want me to ruin you, i just needed more time to prepare myself, i could’ve talked you about this but i figured it would be the best to push you away so that i could prevent myself returning. i’m barely mentally present everytime we’re together, hell i couldn’t even tell myself if i’m alive or what.
i couldn’t guarantee that i could keep my promise ever courting you again, but one thing i’m certain is in near future i’ll fix myself for you, someday in future i hope our paths cross again. goodbye, i wish you the best. and i love you more than anything else.