i’m at my lowest again.
this is the 149th time i’d had intrusive thoughts. if i manage to actually take my own life, let me tell you there isn’t just one variable for reason of taking my own life. there’s alot, countless.
acquaitances finally ignoring me, psychotic episodes that i don’t have any control, shitty genetics, shitty environment, shitty values, and lastly, i lost the love of my life.
i’m always been this miserable, yet this time it just hits so hard. like a slap of reality that eventually people will be tired of your own bullshit. i mean i tried my best, but man my enemy is my own mind and body. I can’t even tell whether what is real and what is not, i keep misremembering things, at worse suddenly it would feel like i dont control my own thoughts and actions. my psychological state is absolutely scrapped to the point its unbearable to live. I KNOW that i’m more than this. yet my own enemy is my own body and my mind, i dont know who i am or what i am even, i feel an intense disgust towards myself, its just so disgusting it makes things so worse for me. i want to be alone, yet i never wanted to be lonely. i want this voices out of my head, i want this disgust leave me, i want to control my own body back.
i still want to live, i geniuenly do. but the pain, it has gone worse to the point i can feel it physically. my arms throughout my back feels like its going to break despite i have done nothing too tolling physically. its just too unbearable and everyone around me gets affected in some ways from me trying to seethe from physical and psychological pain.
if i really try to take my own life tonight, then i hope that everyone will be okay afterwards, i know that i;m not really that significant but i hope they atlease remembered me on the good things i tried to do, but well, surely it will be overshadowed. but if your reading this, thank you for being part of my life, even you stranger reading this!