It has been a week now since you left.
A question kept lingering in my head last night, I asked myself. “Would i still be into you after 5 years?”
5 years on that time, i will be thinking how far i have gone since from this year 60 months on that time, i’ll remember the month i started to focus on myself, fueled by anger and regret towards myself 1,826 days on that time, it’ll probably the last question i have to myself 43,824 hours on that time, is the last time i hated myself the most
I know my emotions is so illogical, I guess this is what they call love. But in a Sunday Mass homily this morning, a truthful sentence struck me.
” love unites us all. love is something powerful that defies logic. but, love without a consultation from reality wont work. a love without in touch from reality will ensue chaos.”
It exactly, pointed out what I entirely felt for so long. Even if we do love each other, the reality is i’m both mentally and financially unstable. I had nothing to bring over the table if we ever get into a serious relationship.
I could funnily imagine you paying for our dates, like I couldn’t even offer atlease 20%. I would just embarrass myself being financially dependent on my partner.
I tried my best gaining control to my own mental disorder, I never wanted to admit and make it a reason for you to pity me. A psychotic episode that can last day or two has made things more difficult for me to reach on you on emotional level.
I keep telling myself that I could have done better, but in reality if we get into relationship without acknowledging this personal issues I have, it is a much bigger problem. I have to admit that I’m thankful you left but at the same time there’s still part of me that misses you the most. I’m thankful that the personal issues I have won’t be worsened, i’m forced to face this problem by myself without affecting anyone who have emotional connection towards me. Because, even if we really, really, loved each other. I just couldn’t bring myself to risk becoming a burden to you.
5 years from now on..
would i still be the same person? If i ever really get proper therapy then how can I tell whether my feelings were real or not? whether it was true or just an attachment longing for connection during my loneliest times?
I don’t know.
I wanted to grow up with you, I wanted to accomplish feats of life with you, I wanted to take care of you when you’re sick, I wanted to go with church with you every sunday, I wanted to embrace me to feel your warmth, I wanted to protect you, I wanted to become a part of your life, Gusto nako nga mangharana sa inyong balay ug ipa-ilaila nako akong kaugaligon sa imong pamilya.
Thats the few reasons.
With many people we will eventually meet in those 5 years, maybe one of them will change us. But it scares me.
Would I still have this feelings after 5 years?